I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I love black thongs
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
