just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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