umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
what day is it and did you see me today?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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