Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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