Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
