Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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