I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
