It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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