hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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