in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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