Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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