They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
