Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
