Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
