the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
