I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
