She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
please come you make the beer taste better
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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