If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
