My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
