Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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