He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
