Your mouth is God's brothel.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you win again, gameday.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
