I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
