1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
