you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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