mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
