And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
