If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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