It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
