Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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