totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
