**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
