The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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