Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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