Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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