Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
