I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
