Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
