know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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