I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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