I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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