i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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