Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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