Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
