the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
