Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
