I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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