I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
