i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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