how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
