my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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