There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
