the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
