I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
