You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
